Oh Charlie Sheen, how you show us all how to live!

This week, for your TV viewing delight, there's a programme about a TV cook who does no cooking but does design a school, there's a chat-show starring someone who's barely famous and annoying but has a Dad who's barely famous and annoying, and a whole programme about a house that Queen Victoria stayed in, maybe, for 4 whole days before she was even Queen, thus rendering the whole thing pointless.

Now, I'm not going to spend next Wednesday's blog telling you how it all turned out, because I rarely ever watch TV. Now, I'll give you a moment to take that on board.... You OK? Good! That's right, I barely ever watch TV, due to a combination of what is on being a waste of my time, and my aerial having a personality of its own. This would be fine, if it wasn't a personality that sporadically hates TV when it decides, and sometimes simply can't be bothered to do anything. This week, my TV has been used mostly for watching copious quantities of LOST on DVD, Xbox and occasionally, re-runs of QI and Top Gear on Dave. When the Aerial lets me.

Instead, I do listen to the radio, normally on those fun drives every morning and evening. Not Radio 1 however, as I can't stand how they seem to believe that only five songs ever exist at one time. But it was via here that I learned of the recent rants by none other than Charlie Sheen. If you've ever wondered what happens to those tins of beans that you throw out every week, well look no further than he, because he's been a busy bee turning them all in to gold, apparently. This, naturally, was after he was on another show giving a big tirade against his boss, Two and a Half Men Producer Chuck Lorre, and demanding a pay rise.Well, that's fair enough, seeing as the poor bunny only gets $2,000,000 an episode. So why was he doing this? was he trying to get himself fired?

I really hope so! It's not that I dislike the man, I could watch Hot Shots until the cows sent me a text saying they're on their way home. Instead, he's made so much money that he never needs to work again. He's simply doing exactly what we'd all do if we won the lottery: telling his boss, and the world, what he really thinks. It kind of reminds me of that airline steward that quit his job in the most awesome way: he loudly told the whole plane over the tannoy what he honestly thought about some of the more rude passengers, grabbed a couple of beers from the kitchen area, inflated the emergency slide, slid down, walked to his car and drove home. High five! Granted, he was arrested a little bit, but what a way to go, eh! Personally, I've always wanted to leave a plane down one of those slides. They just look like so much fun, especially after 8 hours cramped in those teeny seats.

So I've decided, when I retire, which may well be a million years from now judging by the current retirement rates, I will make it an event to remember. Rather than sit through the cringe-worthy display of an empty 15 second speech, followed by a "gold" watch, a pat on the back and a security escort off the premises to a lifetime of microwave meals and Jeremy Kyle, I will use the exec toilets with utter impunity, I will call people by those little nicknames you give them in your head, and I will make an exit that is so unbelievably huge that many news crews will come from miles around to film it all. That way, I'll be on TV and famous!

Except, I won't be able to watch it. Stupid aerial!

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