Moving House Cheaply Is A Very Silly Idea Indeed.

So as you’re all aware, I bought a house a few months ago. If you actually know me personally, you’ll know this is the case because I’ve been going on about it for the last few months like a yappy child awaiting the arrival of a new puppy, only far more frequently and annoyingly. In the last six months, I’ve spent more money on this house than I probably have done in the rest of my life combined. I don’t know exactly how much, but it’s very much into the five zeros territory! I’ve mentioned the vast deforestation and extinction that hasn’t been seen since the last great asteroid impact that came about from the mountains of paperwork I’ve had to autograph, and the carpets I’ve had to actually co-ordinate with something called “fleck”. On a slightly side-note, talking about “carpet-fleck” is the surest sign that you’re now officially an adult. No longer can you grasp desperately onto being still vaguely “young” when you’re talking about high-traffic areas, and you suddenly realise that you sound like your Dad. It was quite awkward walking out of Carpet-Right thinking to myself “Max, you adulted the hell out of that situation”. But, whatever; It’s all in now, and I’d rather have that than acne.

However, despite finding myself in a situation where a pipe and one of those jackets with those woeful tweed patches on the elbows wouldn’t have looked as out of place as usual, I’m still missing some of the less obvious things that being a real adult comes with; namely experience with these sorts of things. Now, because I thought it would make me look really clever, I’ve studied (I say studied, more like read the Wikipedia page) this thing called “economics”. It’s mighty boring, but it does explain a lot about how things work. A lot of today’s economic theory comes from a guy called John Keynes, who was a clever chap. His middle name was Maynard, but I’ve decided it should be Milton, because I know best. So anyway, of the many things that Milton talked about in economics, one of them was something called the “fallacy of thrift”, where if everyone cuts back on their spending too much, then no money goes around and things start going a bit squiffy, economically. Deciding I know better than Milton, I chose not to spend a single shiny penny moving house, and scoffed at the idea of hiring a van. I know lots of people with estate cars, and I can get it all done in no time. Clever Max! Peugeot in town offered to hire a van to me, but I laughed at them and their silly suggestions because, as we all know, I know best!

However, what I didn’t think about was who actually has these cars. There’s Mrs Max’s step-dad, who is a musician. He’s a kind-hearted old Hector, and would be willing to help at a moment’s notice, however being Christmas, he has so many gigs going that he barely has time to breathe for the next few weeks, so he is out of the picture. My Dad is a busy bee, so he isn’t able to help until the weekend, which isn’t much help as a friend wants to stay over on Friday and I doubt saying “I’m sorry, Megan, you’ll have to sleep on the floor like some kind of feral caveman” will go down too well. I was able to enlist the help of my Mum and step-dad to move two mattresses over, but not the bed frames, which is doubly-useless as it doesn’t really help the situation much, and it makes actually sheepishly giving in and paying to hire a van such a waste for such a small thing that it is almost not worth it. It seemed that there was a tiny chance that my free house-moving plan was not as well thought out as I’d assumed. 

Just to make life even harder for myself, I’d done the sensible thing when carpet-buying and gone for the most ridiculously thickest carpet I could afford. I mean really, you’ve got to see the thing! It’s so thick, that small children and pets could easily get lost for years within there, and you’d never know. It is the softest thing ever, but something that I hadn’t considered in my naivety while being all adulty was whether I would be able to close the damn doors with my new jungle-carpet. Well, it turns out the answer to that question is a resounding NO! And I’m not talking about ten minutes with a wood-plane here, I’m talking about the sort of job that requires a circular saw and (knowing me) having 999 on speed-dial, as well as somewhere with ice to store my fingers when I accidentally detach them from my hands. That’s how thick it is. Plus, editing my doors is an outsidey job, and I’m too wussy to brave the cold for any more than 27 seconds at this time of year, but it must be done.

So it turns out that I may actually have to get a van to get me fully moved in. Well, that would have been the plan, but Peugeot have decided that they no longer hire vans for the minute, so I’m at a bit of a loss as to what to do. All in all, ponying up for one for a day would’ve probably been the sensible thing to have done, especially as I don’t fancy the idea of sleeping on a mattress on the floor like a pilgrim. However, as much as I complain about this now, I must consider myself lucky. Being a first-time buyer, I’ve been able to move at my leisure, and the moving date can be whenever. Next time this happens, I’ll be in something that will make this seem like cakes and candy: I’ll be in a chain!

Then I’ll really have something to whinge about!



(Images credited to Photostock and Ambro)

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