Lack of Honesty = Broken Wine Glasses = Hilarious X-Factor Auditions

This morning, I have this to say: the world is now full of people who have this massively mistaken belief that they can sing! Have you ever wondered why that person in your office, or on the bus, or in the room next door to yours keeps belting out "ballads" that have yet to feature a correct note? Are you sick of replacing your wine glasses because your neighbours singing makes them explode on cue? Where did these people, and their mistaken beliefs, come from? Well, I blame "X-Factor" personally. I mean, let's look at someone like Gareth Gates (yes, I know he was on Pop Idol). He started as a nervous nobody with a stutter. Now, he's a household name. He's a successful recording artist. He's even appearing in Les Miserables in the West End! The thing is that previously, we were used to hearing of great singers after they'd been working at it for years. People like Rod Stewart seemed to have been born for singing; I can't imagine anyone like that having a stutter. This does cause a slight problem, however...



The fact that there's so many successful names out of the back end of the "X-factor" machine tells people that "anyone can do it". Now, this isn't true at all, I'm afraid. What it means is that success isn't restricted to an elite few, it is possible for people with real talent to make it, even if you have to badger Simon Cowell week on week. The problem is that people take this claim as "I like the idea of being famous so I'll try". This is the cause of your constant ringing in the ear and broken glassware. But here's the weirdest thing: they have ears. They must surely be able to hear the painful and cringe worthy medley of noises emanating from their mouths? They must surely be able to see the dog howling at what he thinks is a mating call by an Alaskan Timberwolf? So why do these people persist in torturing our eardrums for eternity?

Well I'll tell you why. Have you ever recorded your voice and played it back? Who's that person who managed to take the recorder and record themselves on it, because it sure-as-hell isn't you... is it? Yes, it's you. You never sound in the real world as you do in your head. Therefore, we need to rely on others to tell us whether what we've just sung is beautiful and melodic, or makes your audience wonder if they can really kill themselves by holding their breath. And here, we find the crux of the problem.

I genuinely cannot stand sycophancy! It's the art of saying "that was.....lovely" when something, anything, was honestly awful. It's the art of being the "nice guy" while at the same time being horrible by giving someone false hope. Anyone who's familiar with regular X-Factor auditionee Emma Chawner will be aware of what can happen when sycophantic parents try and be "nice" by telling their kids that they can do anything they want, with no stipulations or "tough love". Quite simply, the girl cannot sing. She doesn't even have the bare-bones of a singer, so it's not going to happen. However, the fact that her parents have blindly egged her on without saying "look love, it's not your thing but there's bound to be something you're amazing at" means she will simply not believe anyone when they say that she makes a worse noise than when Satan stubs his toe. She's now the butt of lots of jokes - something that could have been avoided with a bit of tough honesty.

So I promise each and every one of you, that I will be totally honest with you if you ask my opinion. I'm not going to be brutal in a Simon-Cowellesque manner, but I am not going to tell you that you did well when you didn't. Just as my Nan once told a family member that their acting performance was "a load of rubbish", I will tell you the truth (just a little more diplomatically than that).

And so should you. It's the only way to stop our lovely wine glasses exploding in the cupboards when someone fancies themselves as the next Sarah Brightman.

On the plus side, if it doesn't happen, it at least gives us something to laugh at on the X-Factor auditions.

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