Some People Seem To Just Make It Up As They Go.

The other day someone telephoned me to ask me a question about manners and customs. I know I know, I'm sure it happens to you guys all the time, right? Anywhoo, I'm asked about what can only be abbreviated to "takeaway etiquette", and the premise is this: this person had invited a friend round for a delivery from the Maharajah House, and she had sent him an email before-hand to remind the friend to bring the cash as apparently they've got a bit of a rep for forgetting their pennies when they go scoff a korma. What followed was a phone call from the friend to say how "disappointed" he was that he'd been asked to pay. He'd got it into his head that if you invite someone round for a takeaway, that the host is obliged to pay. This wasn't even a case of "I thought that the host paid", it was a definite "No! You're wrong".

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Why The Phone Hacking Nonsense Is Worse than Most Of Us Think.

The UK has so many laws on its books, that it does make good reading. This is because with more than 1,200 years of history behind us, we've had a few stragglers on the books and not enough spare time to go through them and say "do you know what, I don't think we need to continue outlawing Christmas Pudding on Christmas". However it does lead to some fun reading. Just found out that you have the Plague, and want to grab a taxi to go to the hospital? Well think again, Mr Sneezy. It's incredibly illegal to hail a cab in London with the illness. I know, right! Ever recorded something off the telly and watched it more than once? Well, for that second recorded viewing of Countryfile or My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, you need to obtain (and I quote) "explicit written permission" from both the broadcaster and from the production company.

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Peer Pressure: Forcing You To Make Silly Decisions Since Time Began.

Having referred to a handy collection of the millions of fashion websites, I now know that this summer, we need to be wearing 70's chic, "biker" gear, punk fashion and 60's ladylike in order to be wearing "this season's look". Not at the same time I assume, mostly because you'd look like you'd just stepped out of a panto having been dressed by Stevie Wonder. However, thank God we have these websites, eh? Otherwise, how else would we know what to wear? That's one less worry! However, come Winter, I think I'm going to make my own fashion website and decide what the "trend" is. I'm absolutely certain that it'll be a massive hit, and I'll revel in having made everyone walk around wearing, I don't know, bin liners on their arms. Seriously, who comes up with these fashion trends? Is it one person telling everyone what to wear ahead of time, or does someone see that a lot of people are wearing frilly tops and declare that to be a "look"?

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Stop being so grumpy. It could be worse. For example...

I do love mornings! Not the "getting-up" part, or the "few-grumpy-minutes-before-the-kettle-boils" part obviously, but after then, when I'm wide awake and can find the mental capacity to laugh at everything and everyone. I try not to get annoyed in the morning, especially if I have to commute somewhere. This is for a very good reason, you see. I see every morning the same people getting very and hilariously wound up behind the wheel of their car in the jams. I can even see them shouting abuse at everything before them, which simply means I can insert my own amusing commentary to what they're saying, or give these complete strangers, who I see all the time, their own nicknames. Hey, some of those traffic jams are pretty long, I'll have you know! Anyway, I am always cheery on a long morning drive for a very good reason. I call them "They".

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What do you do when even the experts have no clue?

Why is it so hard to get good advice these days? For example, I had a cough in October last year that seemed to go on forever. I tried to ignore it, then down copious quantities of honey and lemon, but when I became bored of coughing up my spleen, I headed to the pharmacy who suggested that I should try some cough medicine. When I asked which one, she merely said "this one is good; it tastes of strawberry". Really! That's your basis on what sort of medicine to pick from? I then proceeded to head to the Supermarket to see what they had. I did ask an assistant, but to be honest I might as well have channeled Barney the Purple Dinosaur. He seemed to have an affection for the words "um" and "uh", and kept saying "I dar' now, mate". He did attempt to work out which was cheaper overall, but seemed to shut down every other part of his body, including blinking, as he concentrated 100% on basic addition. I ran away before he overloaded and exploded, naturally.

The doctor was my next port of call, as you'd imagine. However this only served to confuse me even further: apparently, cough medicine doesn't even work at all! Huh?



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A small German has managed to lift my spirits!

Right now, the weather is cold, with no hint that it will start warming up for months. To cheer us all up even further, we're told as well that we should expect our winters to become even colder due to global warming. Only in England could we get global warming only to see our weather get even colder! Apparently, we'll all be buried under eleventeen hundred feet of snow while we regale our children about the legend of "The Lost Underwater City of Norwich".

We also have been watching the numbers at the petrol station tick up to £1.30 a litre in some places. This is a lot of money, considering 90p a litre was enough to spark a fuel protest 10 years ago. This is getting a bit silly now, considering that most people who work rely on a car, and the electric alternative is simply impractical (unless you live in Central London, in which case it's merely embarrassing) and still quite dangerous. Apparently, as cars like the G-Wiz are classed as "quadricycles" and not a car (and the difference is...) they don't have to meet the same safety standards as an equivalent vehicle powered by small explosions. On an NCAP-style test, it transpired that a G-Wiz driver would end up having to pick his legs out of the back seat , and he'll need a Dyson to vacuum up his pelvis. I wouldn't drive one, even if the alternative was to be forced to use public transport. Apparently, some lobby group for these contraptions say it's not fair to test a "quadricycle" against a car in such a fashion. Do they think they'll crash in a different way?

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So much technology, I don't even have to leave the house!

I like to take time over my appearance. Even if I'm tired, or just going out for a pint of milk, I can't bring my self to just "throw something on". This doesn't mean I'll preen myself for six hours just to pop something in the wheelie bin, but I will make sure that if I venture into a place where others will clasp eyes on me, that I have at least done my hair. Who knows who you will meet. I can't stand seeing some people who are in town looking like they have just woken up. In a hedge. After a night of vodka and heroin. There's a style to the stubbly look, but the hobo look doesn't fall into the category of "win".



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New Year... Now, To Get Rid Of The Holiday Rubbish.

So, I had an eventful Christmas. Having completed the national tour of the family, I've been through enough Christmas wrapping to save the world from at least three Geoffrey Archer novels' worth of paper, I've eaten enough food to declare me legally dead, and I've enjoyed a few nice days of feet-up before getting back into the swing of real life. I've already scrawled into my calendar the next few interesting events; namely my birthday in March (hint hint) and Summer!

Inevitably, as I'm sure you have, I've had some presents that brings out the actor in us all. "oh", you say, "it's... lovely" while trying to give the illusion that you really really like them, when really what you're thinking is "present-buying fail". You can normally identify this kind of toot because it only goes on sale in November, and is designed for people to buy so that they can cross Uncle Dave off the list. You know: singing ties, electric games that are played for no more than 10 minutes, anything where the name is preceeded by the word "novelty" etc. I know I've said it before, but I cannot abide these kind of presents; all they tell me is that the person put precisely zero thought into them, however, we all receive them.

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The Christmas Countdown Beginneth!

Pinch punch first of the month!

It's December, people! No doubt all of you have fallen into that mental advent-calender mode of repeating to everyone how many days until your living room becomes strewn with wrapping paper and you can add a singing tie and "festive" pants to your already ample collection. More importantly, you've probably been counting the days until work breaks up for Christmas. Go on, admit it, you've also worked out the hours, and the minutes, and the seconds, haven't you.

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The Future Is Here..... Apparently.

Who out there has a "smart phone"? You know, the kind that lets you check Facebook, watch Germans fall over on Youtube and generally waste time browsing the web, all on a phone that has a battery life of about 34 seconds?

Now, who has the Internet? Well, all of you obviously, otherwise how are you reading this? Maybe on a "smart phone". I love all this technological shenanigans personally. I get unbearably excited over new gadgets that do all manner of non-essential yet interesting stuff. I'm sure most of you also use Facebook (Ultimedia does) and I'm sure a fair number of you use Twitter (again, Ultimedia does).

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How to Survive a Press Site Visit!

If the words ‘facility visit’ conjures up nightmares of trying to keep a lively and inquisitive bunch of journalists entertained, informed and under control, then this article is for you!

Organising a journalistic facility visit will probably take the same amount of skill, patience and forward planning as the D Day landing! 

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