Whoever Would Go On A Holiday Where You Build Your Own Accommodation? Me.

Tomorrow morning, roughly around 5am, you'll find me sitting in my car, making my merry way to Berkshire. When I get there, I plan to abandon my car in a field somewhere only to proceed on foot to a river. This won't be the most fun thing I'll do all day, considering that I'll be carrying four days' worth of clothes/food/tent/spare socks with me. After I've crossed the barren wilderness of middle England, I'll take the expedition across the river that's, oooh, about 10 feet across. Following that, I expect to make the arduous trek across yet more fields to find yet another field. At this point, having not given up and tried to find somewhere with plug sockets and a roof, I will spend what will feel like millions of years building a tent; which must be the hardest thing to build at 8am after exploring the desolate land west of London since the Pyramids! Then, I plan to live in this construction without the aid of such necessities as Broadband or Chewits or fridge-freezers for four whole days while I listen to a lot of well-paid people have a sing-song. Then I go home.

Yes, I am going to the Reading Festival!

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Stop Complaining, You'll Miss The Silver Lining Otherwise!

Today's blog comes to you from only one hand, because I accidentally ran full pelt into a gate last night. Ouch!

Anywhoo, I'd like to discuss a flat with you all. This flat is in the lovely (hmm...) town of Sandy, Bedfordshire. A nice two-bedroom number on the top floor near to local amenities etc. Mrs Max and I were looking to buy this little place a while ago as our first home. We were as excited as, well, two people buying their first home would be. Well... excited wasn't really the word by the end of it, as it was such a pain in the proverbial to try and sort it that it felt like kicking the business end of a meat-grinder would have been mildly more enjoyable. The guy who owned the flat seemed to disappear from the face of the earth after accepting our offer, meaning that we got bored with waiting. Then we found out that the ceiling in one of the rooms was, and I quote from the survey, "about to fall down" and they couldn't explain why the last guy had put new wall coverings in the living room. Not to worry, there was another place on the ground floor that was exactly the same, so we tried to get that one. No joy, he wanted full price (despite it being so damp you could call it a water feature and so much mould it was practically a pet) and then decided to rent it out at the last minute. By this point, we were so sick of the whole shooting-match that we gave up and rented.

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You've got to love cold-callers. Well, someone has to, I suppose!

Did you know, that our sewers need cleaning out regularly? No, I didn't know that either (because I don't have a dirty mind, boom boom) but apparently so, and it can't be done with a little robot either. No, they have to send someone down to do it, and this leads me on to a very important question: How did that guy get that job? I mean, I'm not going to knock someone who does it, because I wouldn't do it and it therefore makes him or her far braver than me, but it's not exactly a regular response to the standard "what do you want to be when you grow up" question, is it? So how does this person end up doing it? You've got to be seriously dedicated to do it, or took the phrase "I'll take anything going" a little too literally. Can you imagine the sudden fear on their faces when, at a party, someone asks "so, what do you do?". How do you explain that one?



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I went to this networking meeting, and all I got was this lousy sales pitch!

So I'm in the shower, right, and the phone rings. A friend of mine is awaiting confirmation of a new fantastic job and wants to tell me when they get it. Another friend, who has been entered into the Guinness Book Of Records for speaking drivel for years on end, was also due to call me soon. So I hop out, grab a towel and charge to the phone. When I pick up with an excited "Hello" I am not greeted with a friendly voice, but the classic "Hello sir, my name is ... Malcolm... and I am calling from whatevercompanyitistoday. How are you today, Sir?".

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