Why is "normal" so rare, when that's what we want to be?

So a few years ago, Marks & Spencer made an advert. This advert consisted of a woman running up a hill, taking all her clothes off as she did so, then standing on a box as she screamed "I'm normal!". The idea was that it would show her as a size 16, and that this is the average size in the UK. Apparently, it would stop people thinking they needed to be able to hide behind a pencil to be considered normal size, and that if you've got a stomach that keeps on turning even when you've stopped, then you're in the majority. An admirable goal, I agree. However, a pointless one, as the advert was a massive flop, and it was pulled pretty sharpish after it was launched. But why was this?

Read more...

New Year... Now, To Get Rid Of The Holiday Rubbish.

So, I had an eventful Christmas. Having completed the national tour of the family, I've been through enough Christmas wrapping to save the world from at least three Geoffrey Archer novels' worth of paper, I've eaten enough food to declare me legally dead, and I've enjoyed a few nice days of feet-up before getting back into the swing of real life. I've already scrawled into my calendar the next few interesting events; namely my birthday in March (hint hint) and Summer!

Inevitably, as I'm sure you have, I've had some presents that brings out the actor in us all. "oh", you say, "it's... lovely" while trying to give the illusion that you really really like them, when really what you're thinking is "present-buying fail". You can normally identify this kind of toot because it only goes on sale in November, and is designed for people to buy so that they can cross Uncle Dave off the list. You know: singing ties, electric games that are played for no more than 10 minutes, anything where the name is preceeded by the word "novelty" etc. I know I've said it before, but I cannot abide these kind of presents; all they tell me is that the person put precisely zero thought into them, however, we all receive them.

Read more...

It's Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve!

So, here we are, a week before Christmas, and I'm attempting to sort out the "visits" to the family. Ooh, it's a right ol' pain. I've got to see so-and-so on this day, but this-person isn't available until then so I'll have to go and see that-person instead and work my way around, but I can fit relatives X, Y and Z in all on one day. Arg! I'm slowly shifting towards the idea of posting them all a photo of me, and saying "that's good enough", you know, what most people say when the pick up a present for someone when Christmas shopping?

No, honestly, I do love going to see people over Christmas, it's just so much fuss organising it, especially when there's so much other stuff to do: I've got to finish my Christmas shopping in person as Amazon apparently don't sell everything, I've got to build a wardrobe and an office desk, I have some more work to do (I know, I know), I have four hundred and eleventy ten Christmas cards to write, I have to arrange for my car to be fixed as some w~?#{r reversed into it a while ago, and only a week to do it in. And it's now started snowing.

Read more...

Why We Still Believe Everything People Tell Us: we're Gullible.

People will believe anything these days. Did you know, for example, that you eat an average of eight spiders a year while asleep, as you sleep with your mouth open and some arachnids, desperate for an entry in the spider's version of "Explorer", wiggle their way down your gullet? I'm willing to bet you already know this fact. However, the best thing about this fact is not the fact that you're inadvertently consuming Charlotte while you drool over your pillow, but that it is complete nonsense.

Read more...

The Future Is Here..... Apparently.

Who out there has a "smart phone"? You know, the kind that lets you check Facebook, watch Germans fall over on Youtube and generally waste time browsing the web, all on a phone that has a battery life of about 34 seconds?

Now, who has the Internet? Well, all of you obviously, otherwise how are you reading this? Maybe on a "smart phone". I love all this technological shenanigans personally. I get unbearably excited over new gadgets that do all manner of non-essential yet interesting stuff. I'm sure most of you also use Facebook (Ultimedia does) and I'm sure a fair number of you use Twitter (again, Ultimedia does).

Read more...

Ahh, the joys of moving. Shame about the estate agent.

This week, I have mostly been moving. It's a little overrated, in my opinion. I'd forgotten how frustrating it is dragging stuff up stairs that you've had to disassemble, followed by being totally baffled at the procedure of putting it back together again. There's also the factor of "settling in", which is a cosy euphemism for living out of your bags for a couple of days, not having a clue where anything is, not knowing how to turn the hot water on and forgetting that you had to turn the fridge on, so you have no snacky food to make you feel better. You'd have a cup of tea, but the kettle is in a box. Somewhere. Also, why is it that new homes have that strange smell? You know, that smell that you only get when you go into someone else's house, that leaves you wondering what your own "house-smell" smells like to others?



Read more...

Looks always deceive.

I love surprises. Good surprises, mind, I don't for example relish the moment when I come home to find a tiger has ravaged my house. No, I love good surprises, that feeling of thinking something is simply not going to work despite assurances then, lo and behold, it all goes according to plan. Imagine how amazed the observers of the Wright Brothers' first flight must've been when it all worked. I mean to those who don't understand the physics of flight, it is an utterly preposterous suggestion that a structure made of wood and canvas would actually fly? What, like a bird? Nonsense!

But it did, and that must've been like watching someone say they'll walk through the Empire State Building, on fire, then actually doing it.

Read more...

Multiskill, or face the consequences!

Imagine this; I'm getting ready for a big night out, and want a fantastic shirt. I know loads about shirts and want to make sure that it makes me look fantastic. I go to many shops, I browse the internet, and I try on more shirts than I can remember. I settle on a fantastically designed, beautifully fitting number from a top designer, and it looks fab! Oh, I'm a happy bunny. So, the big night comes, with all the glitz and glam I have been dreaming of. The shirt comes out, gets ironed, and is put on. I go out with a big, confident grin, and the night turns out to be a massive spectacular failure. Why?

Read more...

Sam Burke - the UK’s youngest Recovery Operator?

We’re probably fed up to the back teeth with the budding Branson’s we see ‘Dragon’s Den’ and ‘The Apprentice’, all of whom think they have found the panacea to their future. However occasionally we come across a real inspiration – a shining example to us all.

One of our clients sells recovery vehicles, those big trucks that carry our cars away when they get sick or are clamped. One of their customers seems to have broken the record and is a leading contender not just for the ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’ but at only 16, he must be one of the youngest ever.

The star in question is one Sam Burke who at the tender age of 15 founded Burke Bros Recovery - and that was before he could hold a driving licence!

Read more...

So you don’t have a referral scheme.....why?

So there I was talking to an old friend over a nice sandwich. He owns one of the largest importers of pet-shop supplies in the region and is turning over something like £1,000 a day. Not bad if you can get it, eh? I wasn’t aware that there were that many pet shops in the region, but I digress.

He has a warehouse, as you do, and was struggling with paying for the place but as business has really picked up, all is looking well. His bank, however, (funny how many bad turns in a story start with someone’s bank) had decided to withdraw all funding from his business leaving him high and dry, and now a profitable company is staring at that big scary word, “Liquidation”.

As you might have guessed by now, he is somewhat miffed at his bank. They will not tell him why they have withdrawn his funding, and will not even assist in any way. Nice! He wants to take action against them, which is understandable, but didn’t know who to turn to. Guess who he asked for a recommendation? Moi.

Read more...

Woohoo, I've just voted

Okay, so I’ve just gone out and voted. Get me!!! Who did I vote for? Well I’m not telling you, but it was the same folk that I always vote for.

In the UK, we have dozens of parties. Granted, there are the “big three” where the minority get the majority of the votes, but that is like everything in life. That is why something like 5% of businesses makes up 70% of all UK business turnover. I may have just made those statistics up, but you get the idea.

So why do I always vote for the same people then? Is it just me? I doubt it. Truth be told we all do this. It is not a fear of change that stops us, indeed most of us secretly love change, but it is the fear of uncertainty that keeps us in the same place all this time. We don’t know if the new guys will be worse than the present ones. Mr Labour voter may worry that, despite the Lib Dems' promise on social issues, that they may be taxed out of their car. Or their central heating.

Read more...