A Little Effort Goes A Long Way.

I don't want to come across as a grumpy-guts, but I hate having to go to the supermarket. I don't like how they're always cold when you step in, I find it ironic that they sell you cigarettes right by the front door yet make you walk all the way to the back to pick up your medicine, and I dislike how they compare the prices of two very similar things using different measurements, where they say "this one is £1.50 per 100g" and "that one is £14 per Kilo". Really? Is it truly that hard to get some kind of consistency? C'mon, this isn't politics so don't try and deceive us.

Anyway, I'm going around the supermarket, looking out for one of those shallow trolleys because there are none outside. You pick up your shopping, bung it in the trolley (that you've resorted to picking up in the isle and hope that it is not someone else's) and when you're done, where do you head: the self-service isle. It's not because it's quicker than a normal checkout (apparently you need ID to buy Red  Bull, which involves standing around for eleventy million years while a till person runs up to confirm that, yes, you're not five) but because it involves not having to be greeted with a "huuuui" followed by "you wanna bag wiv vat mayt'?" In fact, I was asked by a till assistant the other day if a parsnip was, in fact, a parsnip. Suffice to say I resisted the massive urge in me to convince him, with a "duh!" look, that it was actually a laptop. After this little event, you walk out, load up the car and drive out, making sure you don't hit the mass of trolleys that have congregated around those little plastic shelters that live in the middle of the car park.

Read more...

Woody Harrelson Learns About Reddit The Hard Way.

        Once upon a time, there was a thing called a "laptop". However, this "laptop" was merely shorthand for "laptop tray" and it was used to stop your dinner and your sofa becoming one while you watched the Generation Game. Back then, there was such a thing as the Internet, but it was rarely used as "I browse the internet" translated from Computer-speak to English as "I'm going to die a virgin, aren't I". This is a crazy idea to me, you see. The idea of someone working an office-y job without the Internet blows my mind! I mean, I would never get anything done at all if I had to, say, organise a meeting with people by ringing each and every one of them to confirm? I just want to type "meeting at 11. Biscuits available" and be done with it, thus leaving me with more time to think about important matters, like do Pigeons get dis-orientated by the way they wobble their heads while they walk, or why I always seem to wake up 10 minutes before my alarm, like my brain has a pocket-watch or something. Whatever, the lack of Internet is crazy enough, but I really can't get around the idea of lack of computer! I mean, I can't even imagine doing anything if all I had in front of me was a typewriter, and a biro. What can you do with that, besides maybe put on one of those hats with a cardboard "PRESS" thingy in it and pretend to be a 1920's journalist while saying, in gangster-voice "what a scoop, scheee".

Read more...

The brain-dead are in my way... again!

As much as I would rather crawl to a far away place than take the bus, driving does become somewhat annoying at times, don't you think? It's always the stupid little things that get you. For example, my car tells me for miles and miles that it's got loads of fuel and can go for ever and ever, seemingly. Then, all of a sudden, it starts crying and demanding to be fed. "But I'm hungry", it cries with a beep and a flash of the little picture of the fuel pump, "feed me now", like a small child. My pleading with it to shut up and wait a minute are clearly ignored, because it still screams. "But I'm really hungry, and I'm gonna totally die if you don't give me food. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!".

Things like this can be overcome easily, it's the things I can't fix that really get me. Do you know what I love, especially at stupid o'clock in the morning? It's driving somewhere, only to be stuck behind someone driving so slowly, that sensitive measuring equipment is required to ascertain if any movement is actually happening. Good god it winds me up! They drive along, being steadily overtaken by continental drift, with that stupid look on their face that tells us all that the only thing that's going through their mind is the Magic Roundabout theme tune. I'd like to also point out that these people are different from They (as previously mentioned, check the link to learn more), as they're not co-ordinating their efforts to frustrate you; such a move would require something called "thinking". So now, I've started looking at ways to counter these people, and have some interesting ideas.

Read more...

If I can have my Summer back, that'd be nice.

So today, I've got to go to the doctors to get an injection. It's not a blood-test, it's for hay fever. Yes, every year, for about four months, I find that I can't venture outside without being smacked upside the head with sneezing and a blocked nose. However, this injection should solve it for about a month and a half, which is a massive blessing as I love Summer about four hundred times more than any other time of the year (except 31st March, jus' saying). I had the injection last year, and it was a surprise, mostly because I rolled my shirt sleeve up only to be told "nope, guess again". But, it worked, and it was well worth it just to get my Summer back. I love Summer; I love that a t-shirt and shorts are all that's needed, that it's daytime until about 9:15, that sitting by a river or a pool becomes more enjoyable and less masochistic, but mostly, because it just makes everything that much more awesome. Therefore, it'd be nice to experience it without filling my pockets with tissues and sounding like the man from the Tunes advert.

Read more...

I dunno, something about a Big Society?

Welcome, one and all, to the "Big Society". Don't ask me what it is, because I honestly have no clue. Apparently, that's the point? I don't know, but what I do know is that the jist of it is that we all contribute a bit of effort to make everything lovely. How nice! However, one problem I've noticed is that I'm not really sure if I'd be a lot of help to this volunteer force. Unless, that is, sarcasm and Xbox is in need on any particular day. That aside, I do think that if it works as suggested, it would be quite nice. There's a number of factors though, that could scupper the whole deal, and the biggest factor... is us.

On Saturday, like a good lad, I helped an old couple do up their garden. Is it fun? No. Is it rewarding? sort of. Is it messy? Oh yes! The small amount of money I received from doing this good deed merely went to replace the gloves and trousers I'd ruined. Could have had a lie-in, but noooooo...

Read more...

My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding? I'd Rather Spend The Money On Me, Ta!

As we slide merrily through February and March, we seem to have entered the other part of the year where everyone's birthdays seem to congregate. Seriously, everyone seems to have a birthday either in November or in February/March (myself included). It just makes for a headache planning everything around it; I can get a thoughtful present and a lovely card for all, but if I miss just one person, then the grief I get is colossal! Still, it does at least let me cram in as many parties into the shortest space of time as possible.

However, and this is a big however...

Read more...

Don't like being molly-coddled? Then blame the terminally stupid!

I really could not believe what I was reading when I browsed through the recent dress-code for Royal Ascot's annual Ladies Day. Apparently, underwear is essential, and tans must be even and correctly applied (basically, no streaky marks). Now, Ladies day is a formal event for well presented ladies with satellite dishes on their heads to attend and enjoy the festivities, and has been running since Queen Anne opened the first day on 1711. Clearly, having been opened by the Queen would suggest it's quite a well-to-do event. So what's happened here to allow the risk of some ladies turning up sans pants and with limbs that are coloured part-carrot and part-parsnip to be so great, they felt the need to send out letters to this effect rather than relying on common sense?

Read more...

What do you do when even the experts have no clue?

Why is it so hard to get good advice these days? For example, I had a cough in October last year that seemed to go on forever. I tried to ignore it, then down copious quantities of honey and lemon, but when I became bored of coughing up my spleen, I headed to the pharmacy who suggested that I should try some cough medicine. When I asked which one, she merely said "this one is good; it tastes of strawberry". Really! That's your basis on what sort of medicine to pick from? I then proceeded to head to the Supermarket to see what they had. I did ask an assistant, but to be honest I might as well have channeled Barney the Purple Dinosaur. He seemed to have an affection for the words "um" and "uh", and kept saying "I dar' now, mate". He did attempt to work out which was cheaper overall, but seemed to shut down every other part of his body, including blinking, as he concentrated 100% on basic addition. I ran away before he overloaded and exploded, naturally.

The doctor was my next port of call, as you'd imagine. However this only served to confuse me even further: apparently, cough medicine doesn't even work at all! Huh?



Read more...

A small German has managed to lift my spirits!

Right now, the weather is cold, with no hint that it will start warming up for months. To cheer us all up even further, we're told as well that we should expect our winters to become even colder due to global warming. Only in England could we get global warming only to see our weather get even colder! Apparently, we'll all be buried under eleventeen hundred feet of snow while we regale our children about the legend of "The Lost Underwater City of Norwich".

We also have been watching the numbers at the petrol station tick up to £1.30 a litre in some places. This is a lot of money, considering 90p a litre was enough to spark a fuel protest 10 years ago. This is getting a bit silly now, considering that most people who work rely on a car, and the electric alternative is simply impractical (unless you live in Central London, in which case it's merely embarrassing) and still quite dangerous. Apparently, as cars like the G-Wiz are classed as "quadricycles" and not a car (and the difference is...) they don't have to meet the same safety standards as an equivalent vehicle powered by small explosions. On an NCAP-style test, it transpired that a G-Wiz driver would end up having to pick his legs out of the back seat , and he'll need a Dyson to vacuum up his pelvis. I wouldn't drive one, even if the alternative was to be forced to use public transport. Apparently, some lobby group for these contraptions say it's not fair to test a "quadricycle" against a car in such a fashion. Do they think they'll crash in a different way?

Read more...

It's Christmas Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve Eve!

So, here we are, a week before Christmas, and I'm attempting to sort out the "visits" to the family. Ooh, it's a right ol' pain. I've got to see so-and-so on this day, but this-person isn't available until then so I'll have to go and see that-person instead and work my way around, but I can fit relatives X, Y and Z in all on one day. Arg! I'm slowly shifting towards the idea of posting them all a photo of me, and saying "that's good enough", you know, what most people say when the pick up a present for someone when Christmas shopping?

No, honestly, I do love going to see people over Christmas, it's just so much fuss organising it, especially when there's so much other stuff to do: I've got to finish my Christmas shopping in person as Amazon apparently don't sell everything, I've got to build a wardrobe and an office desk, I have some more work to do (I know, I know), I have four hundred and eleventy ten Christmas cards to write, I have to arrange for my car to be fixed as some w~?#{r reversed into it a while ago, and only a week to do it in. And it's now started snowing.

Read more...

Why We Still Believe Everything People Tell Us: we're Gullible.

People will believe anything these days. Did you know, for example, that you eat an average of eight spiders a year while asleep, as you sleep with your mouth open and some arachnids, desperate for an entry in the spider's version of "Explorer", wiggle their way down your gullet? I'm willing to bet you already know this fact. However, the best thing about this fact is not the fact that you're inadvertently consuming Charlotte while you drool over your pillow, but that it is complete nonsense.

Read more...

The Christmas Countdown Beginneth!

Pinch punch first of the month!

It's December, people! No doubt all of you have fallen into that mental advent-calender mode of repeating to everyone how many days until your living room becomes strewn with wrapping paper and you can add a singing tie and "festive" pants to your already ample collection. More importantly, you've probably been counting the days until work breaks up for Christmas. Go on, admit it, you've also worked out the hours, and the minutes, and the seconds, haven't you.

Read more...

Is a little bit of courtesy really too much to ask for?

Now I'm not one to whinge (HA!) but I like to look on the nicer side of things. Who among us complains about the drive into work? You're stuck in traffic while half-asleep, you didn't have time to eat breakfast, your traffic jam seems to be meeting yet another traffic jam and to top it off, you have noticed that the fact that you're baffled by the noises that come from Radio 1 these days indicates that age is slowly rearing it's head.

Be cheery! At least you're driving! In your car you can sing wildly out of tune, you can shout abuse at the silly man on the radio for his silly suggestions, you can launch a major excavation project in whichever nostril you choose, all in the comfort of your own space. You could be on the bus, for example, sitting on someone else's chewing gum, listening to children scream as loud as they can while the crazy lady sits and stares at your ears. Plus, you'll be really cold.

Read more...

Has someone seen the last ten months go past?

Good lord, it's November! When did that happen?

Does anyone else get that feeling that the year has crept past them while they weren't looking? I sure do, especially as everyone seems to enjoy saying "xx days until Christmas". Then again, I find myself saying "where did the year go?" every year, so I shouldn't be surprised, but still, one minute I'm basking in the beautiful summer sun and the next, it's that time of year when the fireworks sold for the 5th November are set off. Over a two week period, for no particular reason. at 2am every morning.

Read more...

Nudists on Roller Coaster, serial killer swan, and good Samaritan rescuing cat gets stuck up tree– it must be silly season!

School’s out, strawberries, and the wettest July on record – how pleasant to welcome the summer! As most people’s thoughts turn to getting away from it all on some tropical beach, most editors’ minds turn to “how do I fill this page?” It’s what's known in the trade as “Silly Season”. You’ll have seen evidence of it already on the radio, TV and in the papers. At what other time of year (except in the run up to Christmas) would the ups and downs of nudists hit the headlines?

So, before you get too demob happy, think about how you can benefit from this silly season and put yourself one step ahead of your competitors.

Read more...

The PR Snowball Effect

People often ask “Just how effective is PR”. Well there are no guarantees in this game, but just ask Gerald Ratner what happens when you get it wrong. Mr Ratner may lend support to the rumour that the press are only interested in bad news, but why do we have this fascination with negatives when we should be shouting about the positives, especially in an economic recession (there, even I’m doing it now!).

Well we’re going to buck the trend not only with a good news story, but a prime example of how PR really can work well, by getting the right story to the right people at the right time. If it’s done well, then the effects can be stupendous (and rewarding).

Read more...

So you don’t have a referral scheme.....why?

So there I was talking to an old friend over a nice sandwich. He owns one of the largest importers of pet-shop supplies in the region and is turning over something like £1,000 a day. Not bad if you can get it, eh? I wasn’t aware that there were that many pet shops in the region, but I digress.

He has a warehouse, as you do, and was struggling with paying for the place but as business has really picked up, all is looking well. His bank, however, (funny how many bad turns in a story start with someone’s bank) had decided to withdraw all funding from his business leaving him high and dry, and now a profitable company is staring at that big scary word, “Liquidation”.

As you might have guessed by now, he is somewhat miffed at his bank. They will not tell him why they have withdrawn his funding, and will not even assist in any way. Nice! He wants to take action against them, which is understandable, but didn’t know who to turn to. Guess who he asked for a recommendation? Moi.

Read more...