You've got to love cold-callers. Well, someone has to, I suppose!

Did you know, that our sewers need cleaning out regularly? No, I didn't know that either (because I don't have a dirty mind, boom boom) but apparently so, and it can't be done with a little robot either. No, they have to send someone down to do it, and this leads me on to a very important question: How did that guy get that job? I mean, I'm not going to knock someone who does it, because I wouldn't do it and it therefore makes him or her far braver than me, but it's not exactly a regular response to the standard "what do you want to be when you grow up" question, is it? So how does this person end up doing it? You've got to be seriously dedicated to do it, or took the phrase "I'll take anything going" a little too literally. Can you imagine the sudden fear on their faces when, at a party, someone asks "so, what do you do?". How do you explain that one?



To me, it falls into the work category of "things aren't that bad yet", so I don't see myself signing up for it anytime soon. However, there's another line of work that I wish not to do, but I actually see advertised everywhere. The only similarity with the aforementioned sewer cleaning job is that down-the-nose look people give you when you tell them what you do. That's right, it's cold-calling (or "telesales", as they call it). The art of waiting patiently until someone's slipped into a nice hot bath at the end of a long day, or waiting until they're doing something incredibly delicate to ring and sell you lagging, or a better electricity package. We all know that they're typically on commission, and they have targets to hit, and they're nothing but annoying. However, despite saying this, I have something to confess: I used to be a "telemarketer". Yes, I used to get paid to summon people from their warm baths in order to convince them that, all in all, they don't need that little bit of money and it'd be just swell if they gave it to me. Now, in my defence, it was raising money for charity, and I wasn't a high-pressure salesman, but I could hear how much I was winding people up every time I called them.

So what to do about this, then? Well the immediate solution is to ban them, but I don't think this is a good idea. First, many business rely on students doing this job when they're not in lectures/the pub to sell new sliding doors or conservatories, and those students rely on the time and money to stave off poverty/alcoholism. Also, I'd never recommend being rude to them. At the end of the day, they're simply making ends meet, and if you really are not in the mood for cavity wall insulation, then just hang up if they're really taking up too much of your time. They get it all day, they won't be offended. Promise. However, if you feel the urge to do something, then why not have a joke with them? If they call offering a free measurement on your conservatory, tell him that you're amazed at the rate of technology, and leave it a good few minutes before you tell him that you live on the 5th floor. You could say that you'll listen to their pitch, but only if they do it in a silly accent. I was genuinely asked that last one, and as daft as I felt telling them about the plight of the poor in Africa while doing an Elvis voice, with the "uh-huh's" and the "thankyouverymuch" at the end, they were so amused by this they actually donated!

But one thing that I don't understand is how some companies can put so much pressure on their telesales folk, that they end up either harassing vulnerable people, or even worse, lying through their teeth to get a sale. Sure, Mr Business Owner, you might think that a sale is a sale, and one refund in ten still leaves you with nine sales, but turning up on Watchdog isn't going to be classed as a "funny anecdote" at the next supplier meeting you have. I bet the banks aren't finding the fact that they're paying back all that PPI very amusing. Plus, I can't think of anything that is worse for a business than being known for pressuring a sale on someone, especially if they've sprinted out of the bath to hear it.

So to Mr Business Owner, take some of the pressure off your sales people. You'll find that they don't leave their job as soon as they start it, and you'll look better. For those on the ringing end of the phone, if you are taken away from EastEnders because someone really thinks you need to buy a timeshare from them, don't get mad; get even. Ask them what's really cool and hangs up, then put the phone down.

Tweet