I could learn every language in the world, and there's still one that will always stump me.

There's one thing about speaking English that I enjoy; everyone else in the world appears to speak it. It takes the whole "language barrier" thing away for the majority of the time. This was discovered by a friend of mine on a trip to The Netherlands last year when, in the belief that they spoke as little English as we do Dutch, she shouted "tits" across the train, much to the rapturous amusement of a German business-boy opposite me. Even if you're from, say, Norway and you're speaking to someone from France, you might not speak each others' language, so you'll both speak in English. Bonus! Now, this doesn't mean I'll do the standard thing while abroad of speaking LOUDLY... AND... SLOWLY while asking for TWO... BEERS... PLEASE because I can't be bothered to learn the local lingo.

I will learn at least some essential phrases to show willing, but I know full well that once they're impressed that I actually bothered, they'll most probably start speaking English to me. They'll even do it if I'm actually trying to have a full conversation in their language, which is really annoying. I'll boldly walk up to the counter in France and ask "Puis-je avoir deux sandwichs au fromage s'il vous plaît?" only for them to say "eez thaat aawl, siur?" C'mon, I'm trying to be cultural here, can you not just humour me for one sentence. But, I know what would most probably happen if they did. They'll assume I speak French perfectly, and ramble on about their opinions on something or other, leaving me there nodding my head graciously and praying that they didn't just ask me a question.

However, there is one translation that I still struggle with. It's nothing as simple as one national language to another, and it's so different to my normal language that even Google Translate shrugs its shoulders and tells me that his guess is as good as mine. Let me give you a hint: if I say "fine", then I mean just that, that everything is ok, and you're clear to go ahead. However, if Mrs Max says "fine", then there's about eleventy million different ways I could interpret this. It could mean what it says, or it could actually mean "just you try, you'll see what happens". As well as that, there's such nuggets as "Ooh, I'm a bit thirsty" or "I could murder a cup of tea". Apparently, me saying "can you make me one while you're there" is not the right thing to say, and all I get in response is "fine". But here's the thing, right, if I want someone to make me a cup of tea, or to not do something, I'll say just that. Why would you possibly say "fine" when it clearly is not ok?

Can you really be upset with someone for doing something that you've given them the green light to do? Then, when I've done it and ask what's wrong, all I get is "nothing". However, I'll read this as nothing's wrong, because that's what you've said. This is then confirmed by them saying "nothing's wrong, I'm fine". I was once driving a long way with a female passenger, who asked me if I fancied a coffee from the handy travel-flask thingy that we had. Since I didn't fancy any coffee, I said "no, I'm good, ta" and carried on. I then noticed a while later that familiar annoyed look, and asked what was wrong. As you could imagine, I was a bit surprised to be told that "I didn't stop". Hmm, apparently what I really needed was for this simple request to be tied up in a riddle. If I want someone to stop while we're driving, I use a secret buzzword. That word is... you guessed it... "stop".

Can you imagine if a company started doing that? I'm sure that a set of instructions on a knife-set wouldn't say it was "fine" to stick them into a plug socket. I bet the Customer Services, when asked if there's a problem with using their wares as a bath-toy, wouldn't say "no, there's nothing wrong with that. That's just fine". They just wouldn't do that. Instead, they use such nonsense as "blue sky thinking". What does that even mean? Sunburn ideas? Ideas that make you wish you were at the beach, rather than in the office?

So can we all agree that instead of this convouluted way of indirect talking, we'll just say what we mean? That way, we get what we want, people will understand exactly what they're being asked, and all will be well in the world. And it has to be everywhere, as well. I have enough trouble understanding a foreign language as it is without them saying that "tout va bien", and that there is "rien qui ne va pas" with a huff.

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