All these Health And Safety Signs Are Directing Me Up The Wall!

This morning, I noticed something interesting: while driving in to the office: I realised just how many labels, signs and the like are in my car. Honestly, it's like a small novel in there! There's one on the tax disc holder telling me that I can't smoke in there, because it's a company car, and if I do then the boss will come down and beat me up. There's one on the fuel cap telling me that it's definitely a diesel and if I so happen to put any unleaded into the tank, the economy will crash and babies up north will go without hugs. I'm also instructed to "thoroughly" read the manual before driving it, because I apparently need to know what a car is before I use one, and another electronic notice that tells me whenever it's 3 degrees C outside. This last one might seem sensible, but in early winter when the temperature hovers between 3C and 4C, the beep it makes every few seconds is enough to make you consider a bus as "an option" and not just "smelly". After reading, there's almost no time for driving!

And that's not all! Before getting the car, my partner (whose car it actually belongs to, company car-wise) had to take a test to show that she was a competent enough driver to be able to use a car. Apparently, a driving license wasn't good enough as she needs to learn important things, like pulling your weight when there's only room for one car to pass and someone else is coming the other way, and what I can only describe as "drive-thru etiquette". Thank god for that! No doubt we'd all be 100% dead had that not happened. As I sit in the office this morning, my electric fan has a set of instructions that tells me that it's considered "bad form" to put my hand in the blades when it's moving, and if I could refrain from it then that'd just be peachy. Phew, that was close! I've always wanted to high-five a fan, but thanks to me reading that notice, I'll pass.

Yes, it's Health 'n' Safety signs, telling us all what we already know for the last ten or so years. In case it had slipped your mind, a bag of peanuts contains nuts, so be warned. NightNurse causes drowsiness, so, you know, don't down a pint of it before hitting the M1. Just saying... Anyway, my point is that there's now so many more signs, warnings and suggestions that you'd think the oxygen in the air would come with a "Warning: flammable" sticker attached to it. I'm sure we can all agree that some signs are necessary; the ones in minefields that say "danger mines" I think aren't too OTT, and I'm happy to concede the necessity for the ones that warn about wet paint on a bench, despite how outrageously funny it is when someone sits on them without realising. It's the ones telling us that ironing clothes while wearing them isn't the best laid plan that are a waste of ink. The majority of us know that this leads to wasting what feels like weeks waiting in A+E, having passed the "Caution: Automatic door" warning sign on the way in. The ones that still do it? Well, I suspect that ironing their leg is the least of their problem.

So why do we have all these signs and warnings? Our first port of call is traditionally either Management or the Health 'n' Safety Officer. We'll call them a nanny, a killjoy or just a weirdo. We imagine them as a small angry man, with owl-esque glasses, possibly called Norman, who just happens to know what's best for everyone. We all dislike being what I will now call a"Norman" for giving us far more to read than we really want. However from personal experience, it's not Norman's fault. Let me explain why...

Many thousands of years ago, when I was a young teenager, I and a group of friends decided that what we really wanted was a skate park in our then hometown of Sandy, Bedfordshire. Instead of wishing a lot and possibly complaining to our Mums about it, we formed a charity and raised the money ourselves. It cost about £60,000 to complete and was a lot of running around and faff, but it worked. The skate park is still there, and I'm still filled with an enormous sense of pride when I see it. That was me, it was. However I can remember when it was built, we had to ban kids under the age of 9. This wasn't my choice, especially after lots of kids under 9 wanted to use it, but we had to. It was the threat of being sued by an angry parent that caused this.

Apparently, the old rule of "use this skate park at your own risk" was not only insufficient, but was worse than putting nothing at all. Apparently, putting this, or something along the lines of "under 9's must be supervised" means we're aware of a problem, and are taking responsibility for it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! We were forced to print (and pay for) so many safety warnings that it blew my mind. It wasn't because I was being a Norman, but because if I hadn't, then a lawsuit of some kind would have been inevitable, as would the closure of the skate park we'd worked so hard to make a reality. Health 'n' Safety wasn't making me put these signs up, it was the "I'll sue you" culture that had made me do it. The idea of a skate park being a place where someone might just fall over and scrape their knee by accident is gone, it's now someone's fault! And they're going to pay! Financially, that is. But we do already! The cost of the insurance to businesses (and us) as well as the cost of the signage is huge! How huge? It's always at least double what you'd think, and double that again. There's specific litigation insurance now. Really?

This is why I can't criticize VW or the company for spreading a dictionary's worth of words around the car. They simply can't take the risk that someone does something massively stupid and, instead of learning a lesson from it, sees the £ signs in their eyes and thinks they'll sue them. The most worrying thing is, though, they're not wrong. They're just forced to cover their own backs against these people. And I have total sympathy with them for this.

Just don't read them while you're driving. If you do, you'll ironically crash. And you'll deserve it.

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