Loyalty Is Dead. Indifference Is Better.

        If you were so inclined as to rummage through my house, you'd think I was actually about eleventy-two different people. I'm typing on my Macbook with my eye-fone next to me, yet I don't own those silly non-prescription glasses that do nothing for your vision, and exist entirely to make you look more of a geek than if you tried referencing Pokemon in a pick-up line. In addition to the Apple products, an Xbox lives under my TV because it wasn't £500, or designed with "cutesy" in mind. You'll find I used to own a Land-Rover Discovery, yet I have not murdered anyone. The volume of Tesco's bags I have in one of those silly carrier-bag holders is merely because Tesco's is closest, and I am far too lazy to drive another 10 minutes to Morrison's, rather than being impressed by any suggestion of a "price promise" or because Terry Wogan used to tell me that "Every Little Helps"; a slogan that makes absolutely no sense from people who are trying to sell me broccoli and Smarties. Also, I am frequently seen in public wearing a pair of Converse shoes. Not because I'm from the "bad side of town" in 1970's New York, not because I own a skateboard and sum everything up as "totally", but because my lordy lord they are comfy.


        Yet when it comes to totally irrelevant things, I get sucked up by the whole "brand loyalty" gig far too easily. To me, all of those big energy drinks pretty much taste the same: caramelised sugar. Or a half-digested sandwich, depending on who is drinking it. Yet for absolutely no logical reason, I will always shun them all in favour of the brown Relentless. This makes no sense, as it's basically the same darn thing, but I'll still act as if I've been given the choice between a hug or being punched. I'm aware that it's exactly the same as the green Monster energy drink. Which is exactly the same as Red Bull. Which is exactly the same as a cup of coffee with about thirty sugars in it. If I can't have that, I'll plump for Red Bull, but that's like plumping for Spain because your holiday to the South of France was unavailable. It's just as warm and foreign, but it just isn't the same. I do the same with Ferrari. Currently I'm projected to earn enough money to buy a Ferrari when I'm far too dead to drive one so it shouldn't even be a factor in anything I do, but I'll still decide that it's clearly better than any of it's rivals. Hell, you could stick a Prancing Horse on the Pope-mobile and it would instantly appreciate by £10k. A Porsche is as powerful, better engineered, safer, far more reliable, nowhere near as expensive to fix and will hold its value in that efficient way that only a German car could. Yet all I have to ask: Is it a Ferrari? Nope! Sorry, Franz, you lose to the sketchy, daft, expensive and unreliable Italian beauty. Why? Because I say so! That's why!

        The whole "brand loyalty" thing comes from when we could pop down to the Butchers, and Ol' Fred behind the counter would know exactly what cut of sirloin you wanted, and the Tom the Baker always had a nice pastry waiting for you, because you always invited him round for drinks at Christmas. You were loyal to your local shop because they were loyal to you. You shopped there daily, and they went out of their way to look after you, and it was all very civilised. I know the name of the lady who served me in Tesco's was Stephanie, but only because she had one of those fancy "Hi. My Name Is...." badges. She did ask me how I was, but I suspects she says it out of such a force of habit that she probably answers her home phone like that. This was fine by me, though, as I wasn't there because of any loyalty, merely geography. I know full well that even if I spend every penny I own in there, they will only respond by being sick of the sight of me. I get no free cream bun, and I'm fine with this. In return, I only shop there when it's most convenient to me, not them. This is how the world works now, whether we like it or not. Everything I have now (carbonated caffine drinks excluded) hasn't come about because I get on well with the owner, but because it's best for me. I get it. They get it. We all get it.

Well, most of us get it.

        See, there are still some people who are so stuck in the brand loyalty mindset that they will probably still give them their custom if the shop workers punched them square in the mouth every day. In a past life, I used to work in finance, and regularly helped people who had debts they couldn't handle, so I had to go about ringing all their creditors to negotiate, and generally fixing up all their money problems. Then, she came along. She took me by surprise, because she came across as smart, articulate and logical. She was a victim of circumstance and was in over her head, financially. After looking through reams of numbers that were as boring as you're imagining right now, I noticed that she was paying something like £200 a month on overdraft charges with her bank. So, feeling all good simaritan-y, I rang her and explained that if she moved banks to someone else, I could fix her account and stop her paying all these charges like some sort of mathamagician. If she did so, it would be like getting a tax-free pay-rise of £2,400 for doing nothing!

She said no!

        After stopping for a second to double-check if I had accidentally invited her round for a spot of heroin, I reiterated the whole it's-like-free-money point. Again, she point-blank refused. I asked her why? Well, you see, she'd banked with that very same bank for 20 years, and I'll be damned if I was going to change that. I was utterly dumbfounded! It'd be one thing to show loyalty to a shop that did nothing back in return, but to stick with a bank that was doing her over for more than two grand a year for something she could get for free elsewhere.... I was flabbergasted! It wasn't even a case of her not knowing she could move; she was totally adamant that she was going to show loyalty to them, despite getting the opposite back. In the end, she didn't move, she's probably still paying them  as we speak, and they're not going to be dumb enough to do anything about it.

        So loyalty in shops is dead. They won't look out for us individually, and we won't go out of our way to throw our money at them if a better option is next door.

        And do you know what? I'm quite happy with that. It means the onus is on them to fight to get us through the door, not the other way around.


(Images credited to Idea go and David Castillo Dominici)

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