No More Flags Now The Jubilee Is Over.

        In case you didn't notice, this weekend was host to end-to-end, non-stop coverage of the Queen's Jubilee. A total of ten million people spent their weekend watching the whole let's-float-far-too-many-boats-down-the-thames-because-it's-a-party shenanigans, and seeing many more people waving small plastic flags while waiting patiently, and very politely, in the drizzle, along the side of the river for the chance to maybe view a boat or be on the telly. It was about as British as you'll get without apologising to everyone for no reason at all over a cup of tea. Personally, I went to a "Jubilee party" at the weekend, and it was a flags-everywhere, everyone-wears-red-white-and-blue affair. Well, everyone except for me & Mrs Max, mostly because we weren't informed of this dress code. Good thing too, as knowing me I'd have found it immensely hilarious to dress up as... ohh, I don't know, Napoleon! I would have ordered everyone to speak in French, and demanded everyone salute me (in Red Dwarf style) before I allowed them access to the food. It would have been the most memorable party ever, because "themed" parties are normally mind-bleedingly boring without that small minority who take them with a hint of going over the top.


        Unfortunately, none of that happened. I wore what I normally wore on a Saturday afternoon. I didn't make amusing remarks about the events unfolding among friends, mostly because I hardly knew anybody apart from the host and Mrs Max, and unfortunately we had to flee to someone's birthday drinks before anyone became drunk enough for me to make them do my bidding. What I did notice, though, was the endless streams of bunting, Union Flags and other such themed stuff. Not that this is a bad thing, but over the weekend, I saw more flag-waving than I've seen in my entire life! We even had "Best of British" on the iPod dock, which was things like the Monty Python theme tune (yay), the Corrie theme tune (oh) and the Eastenders theme tune (huh?). There was also Ode to Joy, because nothing says "proud to be British" than the words of a German poem put to music by a German composer. But then again, Curry will always win out for a meal over fish & chips, and the Ford Fiesta was the best selling car in the UK last year. Turns out that irony really is a British thing.

        However, we find outselves just shy of a week later, and everything is back to normal. It's raining, but this isn't a surprise. There's no bunting anymore, there's no soggy wet people waving flags while shouting "Gooorrr bless you, ma'am", It's business as usual now. I can absolutely guarantee you that we won't see another Union Flag until the Olympics come around, and that's only because we won't let Johnny Foreigner out-patriot us! We'll order the biggest made-in-China flag we possibly can and fly it out the window for all to see. Even better than that; we'll buy those garish flags people fly from plastic poles on their car windows to show off to the rest of the M11 that they're super duper wooper patriotic. There's a driving game called "Yellow Car Game", where on a long car journey you have to punch your companion in the arm whenever you see a yellow car. Well, this has been adapted by me to become the flag game! Whenever you see one (or more, some people have one for every window!!!) of these monstrosities flying from a car, you have to hit your passenger for every flag flying. If you've bought one of these, just think of the violence you're spreading around the country! You should apologise; partly because you bought one in the first place, and partly because you're British, and that's what we do.

        Here's the thing though: Every time I've been to America, I've seen similar scenes across most of the country. The majority of cars have the Stars & Stripes stuck on the back window. Even my hired Mustang had one! Been to Wall Street? They're everywhere! The entire street outside the Stock Exchange is covered in giant flags. There's a viable market for metal adaptors on houses to stick a flag in, so passers by can reassure themselves that they haven't strayed into China accidentally. The big difference, however, between us and the US, is that they are like this all the time! It's not for special occasions, it's 365 days of the year. I've yet to grace the southern states, but I suspect it'll be worse than that. So why the difference? Why do we wait until Liz has held on to her crown for 60 years until we decide that patriotism could be a laugh? Hell, if America can do it consistently despite nearly half of them thinking that the world is barely 6,000 years old, then why don't we? Is it a lack of patriotism on our behalf?

        After much thinking about it, I can only conclude that this is not the case. In fact, flag-waving makes you no more of a patriot than wearing a t-shirt with a huge picture of your child on it makes you a good parent. The endless need from some people to show off to your neighbours not just how patriotic they are, but how more patriotic they are than other people, simply screams of insecurity. It's not just in America I see this; I see it with football fans as well. Wearing the full kit while draped in a team flag isn't going to help the team win, nor will it improve your view of the game. What it does do, is show off to everyone "look at me everyone, see how much of a huge fan I am!". Never mind that the guy in the overcoat next to him has been to every game they've played. It just seems so incredibly.... insecure. The need to broadcast the level of patriotism seems to reflect not on their opinions of themselves, but on their concern for others' opinions of themselves.

        So are we unpatriotic because we only do the flag-waving on special occasions? No. The fact that we don't feel the need to do so merely shows that the country's patriotism is secure. We will make fun of ourselves for drinking endless tea, eating endless crumpets, and apologising for someone else stepping on our toe. Not because we don't love our country, but because we're sure enough not to feel the need to reaffirm to ourselves that we do.


photos credited to freedigitalphotos.net

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