We Might Feel Small, But We're Bigger Than We Ever Thought

So for those who have wondered if I've been bunking off for the past five weeks, the answer is a resounding: "technically". In reality, I spend all that time driving around the grand ol' US of A in a car that's too powerful, on roads that are too big, spending too much money on too much fuel and eating too much junk food, all while having far too much fun. I won't bore you with the minute details about it, because you probably won't care (have you ever actually sat through a slideshow of someone's holiday snaps?), but I will say this: America is HUGE! I mean, for someone who lives in the UK, where you can drive from one extreme end of the country to the other extreme end in about 15 hours, and where the weather across the country is generally the same (normally raining), this was totally alien to me. One part could have a beautiful summer's day while feeling bad for the hurricane decimating the other. One part has an average summer temperature of 8C. The other: Alligators. It just keeps on going! It's not surprising that nearly 2 in 3 Americans don't hold a passport; there's so much stuff to see before you get to either border that it's almost a waste of time to go to someone else's country unless you have to. And while I'm at it, two things we sorely need to transplant from there to here: firstly we need those fuel pumps that clip in place, so in the 21st century I don't need to stand there holding the switch like some sort of primitive caveman, and second, we need free refills on fizzy drinks in restaurants. Seriously, they cost about 6p in overhead per drink to the establishment, so it's not that unreasonable to expect a bit of leeway on it!

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No More Flags Now The Jubilee Is Over.

        In case you didn't notice, this weekend was host to end-to-end, non-stop coverage of the Queen's Jubilee. A total of ten million people spent their weekend watching the whole let's-float-far-too-many-boats-down-the-thames-because-it's-a-party shenanigans, and seeing many more people waving small plastic flags while waiting patiently, and very politely, in the drizzle, along the side of the river for the chance to maybe view a boat or be on the telly. It was about as British as you'll get without apologising to everyone for no reason at all over a cup of tea. Personally, I went to a "Jubilee party" at the weekend, and it was a flags-everywhere, everyone-wears-red-white-and-blue affair. Well, everyone except for me & Mrs Max, mostly because we weren't informed of this dress code. Good thing too, as knowing me I'd have found it immensely hilarious to dress up as... ohh, I don't know, Napoleon! I would have ordered everyone to speak in French, and demanded everyone salute me (in Red Dwarf style) before I allowed them access to the food. It would have been the most memorable party ever, because "themed" parties are normally mind-bleedingly boring without that small minority who take them with a hint of going over the top.

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