There's One Slight Problem With Saving Fuel...

        Being a thrill-seeking, fun loving, edge-of-the-seat kinda guy, I decided to break the habit of a lifetime and read an actual newspaper the other day. Since then, I've learned that apparently, we're all running out of fuel, that everyone is doomed to a lifetime of pain and sniffles, and that the Daily Express are still obsessed with Diana. Further venturing into the archives of the Daily Mail draws me to a list of things that cause cancer, and the answer it seems, is everything in the whole world! No seriously, it's a combination of electricity, long fingers, being tall, peanut butter and (my personal favourite) Prince Charles' Organic Crisps. The only obvious conclusion that anyone can draw from this is to build a shelter and camp out, waiting patiently for the plague to pass by us. So long as you don't bring any cancer-causing bread with you. Or be a man. Or a woman. All of these will literally make you explode in front of everyone's eyes. I'd be happy to dismiss this as sheer panic-talk and buy them all new tinfoil hats to replace their old ones, but then it occurred to me that they have a circulation of over 2 million! That's a lot of people who I assume spend the first few hours rocking in the foetal position every morning before braving the front door.

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Whoever Would Go On A Holiday Where You Build Your Own Accommodation? Me.

Tomorrow morning, roughly around 5am, you'll find me sitting in my car, making my merry way to Berkshire. When I get there, I plan to abandon my car in a field somewhere only to proceed on foot to a river. This won't be the most fun thing I'll do all day, considering that I'll be carrying four days' worth of clothes/food/tent/spare socks with me. After I've crossed the barren wilderness of middle England, I'll take the expedition across the river that's, oooh, about 10 feet across. Following that, I expect to make the arduous trek across yet more fields to find yet another field. At this point, having not given up and tried to find somewhere with plug sockets and a roof, I will spend what will feel like millions of years building a tent; which must be the hardest thing to build at 8am after exploring the desolate land west of London since the Pyramids! Then, I plan to live in this construction without the aid of such necessities as Broadband or Chewits or fridge-freezers for four whole days while I listen to a lot of well-paid people have a sing-song. Then I go home.

Yes, I am going to the Reading Festival!

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The brain-dead are in my way... again!

As much as I would rather crawl to a far away place than take the bus, driving does become somewhat annoying at times, don't you think? It's always the stupid little things that get you. For example, my car tells me for miles and miles that it's got loads of fuel and can go for ever and ever, seemingly. Then, all of a sudden, it starts crying and demanding to be fed. "But I'm hungry", it cries with a beep and a flash of the little picture of the fuel pump, "feed me now", like a small child. My pleading with it to shut up and wait a minute are clearly ignored, because it still screams. "But I'm really hungry, and I'm gonna totally die if you don't give me food. Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!".

Things like this can be overcome easily, it's the things I can't fix that really get me. Do you know what I love, especially at stupid o'clock in the morning? It's driving somewhere, only to be stuck behind someone driving so slowly, that sensitive measuring equipment is required to ascertain if any movement is actually happening. Good god it winds me up! They drive along, being steadily overtaken by continental drift, with that stupid look on their face that tells us all that the only thing that's going through their mind is the Magic Roundabout theme tune. I'd like to also point out that these people are different from They (as previously mentioned, check the link to learn more), as they're not co-ordinating their efforts to frustrate you; such a move would require something called "thinking". So now, I've started looking at ways to counter these people, and have some interesting ideas.

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