Do You Want To Be Rich? Work Out What It Means First.

Today, for the umpteenth time, I awoke to discover that I haven't transformed into a billionaire. After consoling myself, I did what I suspect everyone has done at some stage: thought about what I would buy if I awoke to find that, despite not having bought a lottery ticket, that I'd won countless squillions of pounds. First of all, I'd do what I've always wanted to do in public: attach a £50 note to a fishing-rod and watch people run down the road chasing it as I reel them in, laughing manically! Once I'd grown bored of mocking the public, I'd buy myself probably every ridiculous thing from Harrods because, hey, why not? I've already mentioned before that I wouldn't buy a private jet, mostly because I am simply too lazy to organise all the shenanigans that go with buying one, like a pilot or an aircraft hangar or fuel or Health & Safety. I've also mentioned that I wouldn't promise to make 20 friends and/or relatives millionaires, as there's absolutely no way I would be able to explain to the 21st person why they apparently weren't deserving of a penny. I wouldn't do what most winners end up doing, which is blowing the lot within a few years, like this girl.


The chances of being one of these people are pretty slim though, especially so as I haven't bought a ticket in years, what with the chances of winning being 1 in 14,000,000 (for comparison, the chances of being hit by lightning is 1 in 580,000). Yet despite the fact that you'd be zapped by the clouds 24 times before you start jumping around your living room and telling your boss what you really think of him, people still want to be rich, and who could blame them? Thing is, what exactly is "rich"? Is it earning so much money that you'd burn some of it, just to make use of it? Is it choosing between the red yacht or the blue one this weekend? Take Philip Green, for example.He owns lots of high-street brands, such as TopShop, BHS, Miss Selfridges etc. Well, for his 50th birthday, he received a Monopoly set, like you probably have. Only, this was slightly different, being a solid gold Monopoly set, complete with the place-names of the shops he owns. I mean, wow! What a present, eh? And we're also overlooking the £4m he spent on his son's Bar Mitzvah! Whatever you think of Green as a person, I bet there are very few that would turn their nose up at being able to afford these things, even if you do agree that Monopoly is probably behind nearly every family Christmas argument since 1934.

So that might be "really really rich", but what actually makes someone rich? There doesn't seem to be a giant gate that you pass through that gives you a free "I'm rich" hat (although that would be really fun) so when does someone become one of these apparent "1%"? Well on a global scale, if you're reading this, then you are almost certainly "the 1%", considering that you probably don't work cleaning the sewers for £1 a day. Hell, if you merely own a bank account (not including anything in it) then you've already propelled yourself into the top 8%. Well done, pat yourself on the back. You deserve it, my rich friend! It's easy to say that things are hard in the UK, what with the economy and suchlike, but if you break a bone or end up with a sore nose, you'll get fixed up good for free. On the less extreme front, there's the concept of the "first world problem"namely, those every day frustrations that annoy us enough for us to whinge about it, but in the grand scheme of things are so small and irrelevant that it's almost laughable, or are actually blessings in a frustrating disguise. These are problems such as having too much money in your wallet and it doesn't sit comfortably in your back pocket, or having to take those extra precious few seconds to get that foil thingy off the top of the Ketchup bottle before you can dispense its juicy red contents all over your dinner. You know, those ones that the real 99% wish were their main problem at that time.

And in there, we find the actual definition of being rich. I mean, there are some people who are wealthy, and can swan around in a Rolls Royce with their name on the plates, but I'm certain that all of us would prioritise having good health, loving family and friends and a home to come home to at night over being able to dine alone in a top restaurant. It's easy to say that a person at the top has lots of shiny new toys that cost more than I earn in a year, but I have more food in my fridge than others will probably eat in a few months. No doubt, some of it will probably be chucked away because I don't eat it fast enough.

So no, I'm not going to bash the rich/bankers/fat-cats/insert-any-generalisation-here. You think they're rich compared to you? You're rich compared to the majority of people on earth. I'll live without a Bentley so long as I have a banana.

I'll still buy a fishing rod and put a fiver on the end though. It'll be more fun during the Christmas shopping time than any amount of gold-plated argument-starting board games.

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