Yes, You Are Very Boring Indeed. No, Money Will Not Change That.

As much as I enjoy watching explosions and stuff, I'm really quite boring in real life. I know, right? I mean, so far the most interesting things I've done all day, apart from write two and a half sentences, is a trip and back from the train station and make porridge, so I'm not exactly expecting MTV to turn up on my door, wanting to film my crazy antics as I make lunch, have a cup of tea and put the washing on (living the dream, people, living the dream). I don't mind this, though, because if you're honest, you're just as boring as well. As much as you'd like to think that a review of your normal day would make you look like that guy at the party who's greeting the cool people while necking another shot, I bet it would actually make you look like the guy who wears his t-shirt tucked into his trousers, and asks everyone to use a coaster. Occasionally you'll use reason and common sense to get you through the day, which explains why your breakfast isn't a bowl of vodka-flavoured heroin chased down with a cup of nails. Whatever Reality TV tells you about the life of whoever they've decided to stalk for that week, Peter Andre mostly, they will still do boring things like fill in a tax return instead of burning it, do the washing up instead of burning it, and many other essential yet non fire-related tasks. They change their baby's nappy on a mat, instead of during a parachute jump (regardless of how much of an awesome anecdote that will be at school). In conclusion, there's nothing as mind-numbingly dull and uninteresting as the lives of ordinary people, especially if they're neither rich nor famous.

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In HollywoodLand, Money Isn't Needed. In The Real World....

I'd personally love nothing more than to live in that funny colourful world where Hollywood Script-writers are grown. I mean, if you look at some of the stuff that they make, it sounds like absolute bliss, where wildlife programs don't end with the seal killing the penguin in a sloppy red mess. Instead, the naughty seal just misses the resilient penguin, who goes off afterwards with Mrs penguin to open a Fair-Trade vegan cafe.  Are you a hopeless romantic? Well don't worry, there's tons of case-studies from Scriptland that tells us that you'll get that 6ft Supermodel that you're pining after in the end. Your boss being a megalomaniac? Never fear, he'll be usurped in a fit of frustration and throwing of many papers, followed by the entire office living happily ever after. Born with facial features that don't have a sense of teamwork? Never mind, your personality will shine through! It's all so rosy and middle-class.

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Do You Want To Be Rich? Work Out What It Means First.

Today, for the umpteenth time, I awoke to discover that I haven't transformed into a billionaire. After consoling myself, I did what I suspect everyone has done at some stage: thought about what I would buy if I awoke to find that, despite not having bought a lottery ticket, that I'd won countless squillions of pounds. First of all, I'd do what I've always wanted to do in public: attach a £50 note to a fishing-rod and watch people run down the road chasing it as I reel them in, laughing manically! Once I'd grown bored of mocking the public, I'd buy myself probably every ridiculous thing from Harrods because, hey, why not? I've already mentioned before that I wouldn't buy a private jet, mostly because I am simply too lazy to organise all the shenanigans that go with buying one, like a pilot or an aircraft hangar or fuel or Health & Safety. I've also mentioned that I wouldn't promise to make 20 friends and/or relatives millionaires, as there's absolutely no way I would be able to explain to the 21st person why they apparently weren't deserving of a penny. I wouldn't do what most winners end up doing, which is blowing the lot within a few years, like this girl.

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